


Mouthful of Dirt

by a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue (falloutboiruto)



Category: Zombieland Saga (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Depression, Early in Canon, Existential Angst, Ficlet, Gen, No beta we go back and fix our millions of typos LIKE MEN, Suicidal Thoughts, mild body horror
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:29:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28699947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/pseuds/a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue
Summary: Ai dwells on the things she can't change, but decides to focus on what she can do for now.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Mouthful of Dirt

**Author's Note:**

> content warning for suicidal thoughts and fantasies. if reading such content upsets you, please don't read this.
> 
> Set early in season 1

Ai hadn't adjusted to her resurrection yet. Most of Franchouchou accepted their newly zombified (undead)lives without much objection. Any struggle was mostly symbolic. Although Ai couldn't help to wonder if the rolling over without much of a fight demonstrated by the rest of her idol group was all that genuine. They were probably just trying to keep sane. Sanity, along with a myriad of other things, were failing Ai.

It would've been better if Kotaro-san had just left her alone to decompose in her grave. In death, she'd been stripped of everything she had achieved. Starting over like this wasn't a possibility, it was only another way for her to utterly embarrass herself. She didn't mean it in a mean way. Junko had the talent and the experience but felt uncomfortable working in a group. And the other members of Franchouchou were… trying _very_ hard. But she still couldn't forgive her "manager" for digging her up and forcing her to run around like a headless chicken. She wasn't alone, but unbearably lonely and he'd made her like this.

She had been at peace, relatively speaking. Not happy, just non-existent. Never reaching her goal, but blissfully unaware. Now, she had to live with this pale imitation of her old life with her guts twisting with maggots. There was no way she could live and be happy like this. It could never work out. It would only end in heartbreak. Kotaro-san might, if push came to shove in the staredown with the harsh but obvious reality that starting a successful idol group in Saga prefecture was impossible, discontinue whatever magic that kept them alive. Discard them like old toys. Shoot them behind the shed and bury them, choking in the dirt, in the backyard. Move on to some other sick obsession. It was only a matter of time. Ai would be first in line. She'd willingly let him rest the cold barrel of the gun on her temple. If he couldn't brave it, she'd do it herself. A steadfast finger pulling the trigger was all it would take. Leave her to rot, for real this time, and never smear the legacy of her old life. The dog could chew on her bones for all she cared. She-

A knock on the door.

"Ai-chan, are you ok?" Sakura-chan's muffled voice traveled through the thick wooden door. "You've been locked in the bathroom for hours."

"I'm fine," Ai said from the floor. The tiles were cold against her feet. If she just wished hard enough, the wall behind her back would crash down and crush her into unrecognizable oozing goo. The floor wouldn't be that much worse off.

"You know what, no. I'm coming in there." The door handle pushed down, and the keyhole rattled. _Good luck with that._

Ai busied herself with counting the mold stains on the opposing wall when the door swung open and almost hit her.

"-Watch it!"

"Oh god, I'm so sorry!" Sakura blubbered. "I didn't know you were sitting right there!" She wrung her sickly-hued hands just about hard enough to rip her skin off, but she wasn't holding a key.

"How did you get in?" Ai shuffled a bit further from the door, knees bent to her chest.

"Oh, I know how to get most bathroom door locks open! A lot of my high school friends would lock themselves into the bathroom to cry alone on the daily, so I learned basic lock-picking!" Sakura proudly showed her the real key, a hairclip bent out of shape. Then; "Not in a criminal way though! I would never! I had good intentions!"

Somehow, Sakura-chan's(very minuscule) nervous mood swings made Ai's existential dread shrink in comparison.

"You're a good friend, Sakura-chan. You need me, right?"

"Y-yeah! Whenever you feel ready. We really, really need to rehearse. Please?"

A purpose. As silly, as frivolous, as incredibly preposterous and utterly impossible the concept of a zombie idol group truly was-

-It was worth sticking around for. Just to see what would happen. Even if she had to keep up her internal debate on endless repeat, indefinitely.

Sakura-chan still hovered awkwardly in the doorway. Her eyes darted down the hallway as if Kotaro-san would breathe down her neck any second now. "Come down when you feel ready, ok?" She jumped at Ai's outreached hand.

"Can you help me up?" Ai said, unable to keep the hot flush from showing on her face. "My knees hurt."

Sakura puffed out a small, sympathetic laugh, and took her hand.


End file.
